Some people are decision makers and some are not. At one time or another, we’ve probably all taken a personality profile test in school, for a job, or career counseling. According to the Meyers Briggs tests, less than 3% of the population are decision makers. Obviously, the USA needs leadership which is comfortable, natural, effortless, in the decision process. Right? Then, why do we have so many leaders who are afraid to make a decision?
Why have the leaders of the USA avoided making a decision on illegal immigration for the past 35 years? Why do our leaders purposely avoid the decision, except for President Trump? I’ve come to a personal conclusion. President Trump is not afraid to make a mistake….. because he can fix a mistake….. and no rational person expects all decisions to be perfect. Note: Ann Coulter is irrational on the issue of illegal immigration and demands perfection. We’re trying to get there.
Name one person whose every decision has been correct? None of us are so perfect and it’s obvious we cannot be so perfect. Why all the fear about an incorrect choice? I recall begging my kids to live a little dangerously, take a chance, screw up, while I could still protect them. No, running drugs or guns would be frowned upon, but take a chance, explore. Do it! Make the decision to step out, step up. Go. Do. Conquer. Fail. Reassemble. Conquer again. On a larger scale, it’s exactly what the President is doing with North Korea…. or China…. or the Congress. He’s making decisions and not afraid of the repercussions. He comes back, again and again, in pursuit of his goal.
Why are 97% of the people in the world uncomfortable with making a decision? Easy answer, because when someone else makes the decision, THEY suffer the consequences. Non-decision makers can remain safely on the sidelines. Blame is a cop out. Blame is easy….. just ask Pelosi, Schumer, McConnell, and Ryan. Decisions take courage. We describe President Trump as bold and fearless……. because he’s not afraid to make a decision.
Which leads to another conclusion: The paralysis which comes from avoiding a decision is not actual pain, it’s anticipatory pain….. imagined pain which MIGHT come from making a bad choice or avoiding the reality of a situation.
Think of the lengths some are willing to go to in order to avoid confrontation, and making a decision. Parents afraid to confront their child’s drug habit. Spouses afraid to confront their husband/wife spending habits or infidelity. Or a FISA judge unwilling to make a decision to confront the FBI/DOJ. The fear of the bad choice or reality learned in the confrontation paralyzes us. BUT there is a difference in avoiding a real and known to be real issue and/or avoiding an issue which is imagined and built up in our own minds.
It’s why we have Generals, who can make life and death choices, when decision making is serious business. For the rest of us, simple decision making should be embraced and not feared. We WILL make millions of bad choices in our lives.
There are many people in our lives who avoid decision making and have turned it into something of an artform. People who physically recoil and run away from making a choice. Heck, I was married to one, a strongly-willed man in every other aspect, but could not make up his mind to save his life. “Where do you want to go for lunch?”, I might ask. The response, “Whatever you want is fine.” They can’t even decide where to go for lunch! And if I decide where to go, and it’s not their wish, they suffer in silence and harbor resentment….. about a lunch spot!
I’ve had clients who left their IRA investment in a money market account, because they “couldn’t decide” on which mutual fund to pick. Who does that? LOTS of people.
Indecision, avoidance of making a decision, maintaining the status quo, is a particular problem in our bureaucracy. Perhaps, the best thing we could do to improve our civil service is stream out the non-decision makers. Yet, bureaucrats are worried about rocking the boat, and the fear of repercussions. Making the wrong choice may cost a job assignment, a career, or lead to malicious inter-office targeting. The FEAR of decision making is probably what caused the Russian Hoax. No one stepped up to stop it, maintain the status quo. The lack of decision making, or courage to make an ethical  decision, still persists in the media. With the Obama holdovers in the DOJ/FBI, the fear was real and perpetuated the indecision and lack of courage, to the detriment of all Americans.
We could also make an argument the DNC and the media DID make a decision, a corrupt decision, to target an American President, their political enemy, which served their own interests. Yet, that’s the few in leadership roles. The overwhelming numbers of minions, thousands upon thousands, remained on the sideline…… silent.
Why do we have so many weak and indecisive people in our culture?
Did we rob our children of the ability to make decisions and thereby create MORE of a problem? As women joined the workforce and family income became a two income family, did we spoil an entire generation by making decisions on their behalf? Were helicopter moms created by guilt because we were not at home? Did we make up for lost personal time by spending more money on our kids? So they could do more? Were we afraid to let them fail? Look to the college admission scandal for an answer to that question.
When I was 10, my dad forced me to make my first big decision. I mistakenly invited two friends to spend the night and the rule was only one friend per night. I told dad my problem, and expected him to tell me what to do. He could have easily made an exception and allowed both girls to spend the night, but he took the opportunity to make it a lesson in decision making. He forced me to choose. It was the first time I recall my father was “mean to me”, as I “perceived” it. I remember whining, crying, being angry, upset he would not solve my problem, fearful of offending one friend. I could not understand why HE was causing me so much pain. I was physically recoiling from the responsibility of making a decision. He held fast. I was filled with dread and made lists of what to do = further avoidance. As the week wore on, I made a re-appeal for mercy. Nope. Not working. I called my one friend and told her she could not come. Fine, no big deal, and she understood the problem. Painless. Wow, was I surprised.
What was enormous in my mind, a problem which caused me days of angst, was solved in about two minutes. My problem was not a problem. It was imagined.
From that moment on, my father looked for creative ways to force my friends and me to make decisions. He was relentless. If we wanted to do something, anything, go anywhere, we had to present “our case” to him. Had we considered the danger, the risks, the good parts, the rewards, the cost versus potential gains. He was trying to make us responsible about our decisions, to plan as much as possible for risks ahead. I swear, on more than one occasion, he left my dates dumbfounded as they checked the tire pressure for their spare tire, before we were allowed to leave. It’s the way he was…., which changed everything about how my friends and I turned out. We all had cars in tip-top shape and any boyfriend I had…. learned to change the oil himself… with help from my dad. Heck, my first job was at a Jiffy Lube, I knew how to do the 14point top of engine inspection.
People in our age bracket, who grew up in the era of personal responsibility, understand problems presented in decision making. Military veterans have an acute understanding of the decision process. We analyze for risk, cost versus benefit, and we don’t expect someone to magically appear and save us. We make a choice, and if we are wrong, we adjust. Yet, we continue to pursue the goal……… just like President Trump is pursuing the problem of illegal immigration.
I submit, on this issue, many of those who are younger have made a false and political choice, based on bad information from media and other leaders who pursue their own agendas. Good decision making is not based on an age, exactly. For instance, if I could do it as a whiny 10yr old, of course, millennials can do it today. Will it be painful and will they react physically? Oh, yes, and maybe the reflex of those actions is what we are seeing today. We just need to get them the correct information and a steadfast Dad. They need a guy like my dad, pointing out all the things which could happen, which they never considered, to become responsible about their decision making. They need a guy who is objective, not afraid to force a decision, and has their best interests at heart.
That guy is President Trump.

Think about all the major moments in your life, times of splendid inspiration or utter meltdowns. Where were you when that moment occurred? Were you driving in a car? Most men are naturally gifted when it comes to processing a large volume of information while driving a car. Were you in the shower? Stunning how women come out of the shower with major pronouncements. For our family, it was “the couch”.
Inanimate objects have no special power. As rational people, we know better. Yet, many of us carry a lucky rabbit’s foot, a four-leafed clover, or, if we’re on a pitching streak in the Major League, we might even wear the same socks. Is it the object that has the power, or is the object a bit of a crutch which gives us an extra boost of courage? Well, our “couch” has special power.
For most of my life, I was a business and numbers person = pragmatic but quick decisions, rule with head over heart, cool and rational. It was difficult to empathize with the touchy-feely emotions of others as they wrestled endlessly with small decisions or perceived injustices. I had to work on that part of my character, and thus learn to stop, breath, and listen to what others said and felt. I am aware impatience with whiny people is my Achilles Heel.
When we bought the B&B, I was finishing a few more degrees at a local college. I knew renovating and decorating would be pricey, and thought I should take a senior level class on “period architecture and interiors”. In that way, I could, at least, talk to an interior designer and not sound like a fool. More importantly, with limited funds, I couldn’t afford to be taken advantage of by an interior designer who was working on HER “vision” which didn’t fit MY budget. Admittedly, I falsely presumed interior designers were fluff-queens, or those who could not excel in disciplines like business or biology. Of course, I was wrong about interior designers and worked my ass off to get a “C” in the class.
One class, taken on a lark, for ALL the wrong reasons, saved me hundreds of thousands of dollars over a lifetime and made me a better person. The class also allowed me to make faster decisions, fiscally prudent decisions, which were better decisions…. pragmatism returned. Strangely, one single class helped my family and friends with divine inspiration, and many tears. The class taught me about the power of spaces, big and small, and the power of …. the couch.
Practically speaking, the class taught me about color of floorcovering, first, upon which everything rotates around. Thus, all the furniture in our large home can be moved to any room, even the upholstered pieces, and even though all the rooms LOOK different. For instance, one room is red/Oriental trim, and another is an English chintz explosion, but the furniture works anywhere. It’s a masterful trick, and dozens, if not hundreds, of times we have moved furniture throughout the house for various needs. Yet, more importantly, the class taught me about small spaces versus large spaces — and how people respond, physically and emotionally, to those spaces.
To me, it was like discovering gravity. We always knew it was there, but now, I understood why it worked. We all have small spaces in our homes and people are instinctively drawn to them. The class explained the why.
Small spaces are intimate, lower ceilings, lamp-light versus overhead lights, quiet, not in a traffic pattern, a place where one “feels” safe sharing a secret. Large spaces are public spaces, big and grand, where we might be wearing a mask, more apt to hide our true feelings. Thus, if you might want to learn how someone really feels, listen to them closely, and do it in a small space. AND be particularly cognizant of big versus small spaces if you have children, because all spaces are perceived as bigger from a child’s point of view.
Our house is big and has tall ceilings. Therefore, creating small spaces presented a challenge. I started with “end of traffic pattern”, and then created everything else for small spaces, including a cozy couch, in a nook, with low light, in front of a fireplace. The result was surprising, unbelievable, but 100% proven and accurate. All kinds of people, especially children, would gravitate to our master bedroom couch, when they want to unburden themselves of  …. anything. From adults to little ones, the couch….worked.
We created another space, upstairs in my office, for a small space secret couch, underneath an enormous window. My son’s friends would divulge all their innermost fears, family problems, girl problems, school problems, even abuse…. while sitting on that couch. One Friday, as was typical, my son’s friends came home and invaded my office. After work hours, one by one, the friends drifted away until only one remained. He decided to spend the night. After dinner, the boys were talking about random things. I tried to leave a few times, until he told me, “I miss talking like this – like we did when we were little kids…”, never mind …. the boys were only in 7th grade at the time. The need to talk, be together, bond, is part of human nature. We all need it. The couch… makes it happen.
When I married my current husband, with four daughters, the legend of the couch grew. LOTS of tears and drama with girls, and I practiced my listening skills as the years flew by. Our children were good at spotting people whom they thought needed a little help, and they brought them home, to the couch. Over time, the family understood the couch, often joked about it, but always respected the strange power the couch had. “The couch” became analogous to an unburdening, truth telling, unconditional love, support, self-conscious, forgiveness, repenting, revelations, protection, bright ideas, and courage to move forward.
I was folding laundry one afternoon in the bedroom and a 14yr old Gunner and his buddy came sauntering in. “What’s up?”, I said. They were working on filing their first patent for an invention they cooked up… which actually, was pretty cool. “We need to think….”, they said, and plopped down on the couch. We hashed it out = patent filed.
Another time, my son became serious about a young woman, who was having family problems. He brought her home, weekend after weekend, until she softened. As Gunner said, “If I can just get her to the couch, she’ll be fine.” Another time, Gunner warned a friend who sat down on the couch, “Be careful when you sit there, all your deepest thoughts will be revealed.” A daughter called, having problems with her new husband. “He needs to spend some time on the couch”, she said. And then, many moons ago, we got a knock on the door at about 2:30am. It was a young man from down the street. He was terrified and burst into our home as soon as we opened the door. He was crying and ran from me – through the house – straight to the couch…. the safe place. He curled up in a ball, and cried for hours.
For about 5 years, we had a cottage on the shore. It was a tiny house, but had a big and oddly shaped master bedroom. Husband got it on a whim. When I got there and we finalized our plans, we put in another “couch” and chaise lounge in the extra master bedroom space. The girls and the one boy child, Gunner, and their friends, utilized the couch small space more than ever before. After a particularly rambunctious afternoon, husband and I were downstairs putting things away but the kids headed upstairs to shower. By the time I got there, I found 8 youngsters sprawled, sound asleep in various positions – all around and on top of the couch. Small space, cozy, safe, good light, comfy.
We created another small space, downstairs at the beach house, directly off of a large side porch. The kids found a couch in a garage sale for $1, and desperately wanted it. Had it recovered with $1/yd fabric and stuffed it into a corner, with an old TV, and an overstuffed chair and ottoman. The space was so small an adult could barely turn around. For the kids, it was everything. The kids begged to have their sleepovers THERE, instead of their bedrooms. It was the Saturday morning cartoon spot, the build a fort spot, far enough away from the kitchen to share secrets. With access to the side porch, that spot became the kid’s entrance, a pick up spot for play dates, or if another kid in the neighborhood was lonely, they could always find a friend… at that spot. Husband admitted, years later, when the kids and I were not at the house, he often fell asleep there. What is it about small safe spaces?
I’m looking at the couch in our bedroom right now. If it could only talk. It needs to be recovered again, fix a few springs. How many girlfriends, kids, a few policemen after a bad call, tears, infidelities, secrets, plans hatched, report cards, young men planning their engagements to the love of their life….. has that couch seen?
If we think back to our grandparents homes, when we were children, we found those couches and small spaces when we were young. Grandma never took an interior design class, they did on instinct.
Bigger is NOT always better. For comfort of the soul, create small spaces as well.